well, I'm Building a highway back
Back to the heart of things
No love left to walk back
Back to the heart of things
So I'm building above and back
All our city gone red
when I get it all from you
I'm gonna get it all true
It's so cold and I say goodbye
People holding a meaning, why?
But you never let the car get in
For holding on the sound of swim
Did you want a wind and a sail
It would take a boat
All of the (incomprehensible)
Say it what you want, don't bring
Anything back to me
'Cause I'm old, I will say goodbye
Hoping to run out of our own life
If I get a lot from you
I'll make it all come true
This is one of the last good memories I have of the time my life went smoothly around 2011 or 2012. Song may sound like shit, but this played at a time I was beginning to practice drawing. There was a tutorial video on how to draw 2d with this song playing on the background. Sigh. A simpler life, filled with dreams and expectations. What a lovely and simple message from this song. A wish to return to how things were, if only a SIMPLE opportunity was given. (Regardless. Gorillaz has become absolute garbage after their plastic beach hiatus. Simply regurgitating the main political trash movements that are considered hip and trendy. There is no more creative and personal messages hidden in their media. Their magic has completely dissipated. Kinda ironic, considering the song).
Also, kinda reminds me of other good memories regarding this. Like Samurai Jack's "gotta get back, back to the past". Funny how people think alike in that regard. Of how better things were before they got worse. Only once you grow up do you start to realized these things.
Jump to today, I now listen to this just hoping i've been asleep or in a coma all this time and all that happened has been just my mind playing tricks on me. Sometimes it's hard to grasp how much worse things got. The people I lost, the purity and innocence I had, the dreams and wishes I posessed. It's all passed. The world is evolving and apparently for the worst. I wish I had power over time. Power to go back. Power to reclaim my past.
This just wraps around another issue of mine. Grown up in a christian family, i've learned to respect and pray and call out to God. However it really seems like the world doesn't work like that. It's like God lets the evil, the trauma, the pain happen, despite having the power to stop it. The astonishing amount of corruption and destructing crumbling from beneath the curtains is immesurable. I don't know how it's going to fall down, this world, I mean. But... It seems like it will, since it's breaking from the inside.
The great majority of people simply aren't genuine about what they think or like. One person in public, other person in private. Usually seeking superficial praise to boost the confidence of their persona. I've discovered a great evil in me. As in, wishing harm towards people who seek to hurt and destroy for their own self gain. With no consideration for others, and even worse, protected by the "morally accepted" barriers of what can't or shouldn't be considered evil or untrue.
I could never talk about the things that are bothering me. But my world has already crumbled down. Everything I cherished as pure and remarkable from my infancy has been diminished in one way or another. Usually by someone or something managing to corrupt it from my mind. Suffice to say, this is why I am changing my perspective on God. "The meek shall inheireit the Earth" He says. Meanwhile we get more degradation to the masses and brush it off as funny. Porn is at an astronomical rate, sex is no longer a special bond between two loving people, it's a pleasure machine that you'd be willing to give up your sanity for, the dirty little secret. People accept the political narrative that is given to them. Month of this, day of that. We praise the humiliation and destruction that proceeds from that, calling it simply for people who "can't cope with change". The art behind songs and paintings are repetitive and uninspiring, losing quality over the mainstream every damn year. The stories possess no internal conflict or victory, instead people consume whatever just looks and sounds funny. People don't care anymore. Being an asshole and considering things of higher virtue to be a laughable lie is upright. Men like me growing incresingly uninterested in pursuing a life of meaning. Dreams of marrying, having kids, stability is outdated and considered a joke of bad taste.
Those are some of the things that repulse me about today. And the worst of it all, God. As I mentioned earlier. It's as if He is gone. No more. Distanced. Repulsed? Disgusted by me? Vengeful? I don't know. I lost count of how many times I called out to him during my misery and was left alone. Again contradicting His own word. He's left. And all the stories we heard were, perhaps by a different God, or He was indeed different back then, or this is all just a test. Which honestly sounds sickening to me. A test to prove yourself while you're miserable and hopeless. I am way past that now. I rarely change a shade. Is it me being ungrateful? Or is it that I can't contend with a quiet God? Shouldn't he speak? Evil spreads, Good suffers. We're all that we have. I made more progress dealing with all of it alone than trying to depend on Him for it.
"This is the way things are. You can't change nature." ~ Remy's father in Ratatouille. I kept remembeing this quote today. I've become an increasigly melancholic person the more I realize my sincerest efforts seem to bring me nowhere. Working, exercising, studying seem to be on automatic now. It's like I'm chasing the ghost of a star. A star that died many years ago, but it's light still shines because it's simply a light that hasn't ceased to reach us yet. I feel like I'm decaying. One of the only reasons I have to live are my family. I feel like I am being scrapped away like the garbage part of history that failed to adapt and perished.
Other than my family, the reason I keep fighting is for silly inspiring quotes from my childhood. It feels like it's all evolution. And people like me are simply the part that failed to proceed and survive through the odds of our progress. However, in the ending of Megaman X8, as X thinks to himself precisely what I just mentioned, Zero mentions something to him:
 | ||
| "Anyway X, even if we reploids are destined to join the scrap heap when that evoluutionary step does come about... We still have to fight, not only against Mavericks, but against our own destiny as well." |
For some reason, this is what plays in my head. My world burns and crumbles around me and I decide to stand still. Why? I don't know. I suppose, to fight against my own destiny.
