So, I know it's been 3 months and I said I'd post something every month but to be honest, I just don't feel like doing that. I just prefer to write down when I feel like writing down...
Anyway, I'm back up. A few things to catch up on, I'm almost finishing my driving school and will be soon taking the test for my driver's license (fingers crossed), although I think I'm doing rather well. I can park a car successfully, drive at a nice speed and do nice turns. I know the laws, where to stop, etc... I guess the only trouble I still have is when driving when the car is parked I occasionally forget about letting go of the brake lever, I still stop a bit further than where it would be ideal to stop at a stop sign and I still can't shift to second gear perfectly everytime. But at least they're minor mistakes.
Um, I'm growing some balls to get into the stock market (and futures eventually) and taking my time to solve some issues. I studied well and I can safely say I know the basics of that. I want my drawings and animations to become a hobby, since they don't pay well, and this is what I would do for a living. Every day I'm trying to spend at least 1 hour of screen time learning about this stuff or making an operation at a good opportunity at least. I've been learning from a course of a guy name Didi Aguiar, I like him.
Some worries about some things here and there, but nothing too drastic, I'm happy to see my closest friend maturing as well and growing. Had to go through a lot of trouble with friends and potential girlfriends in the last 5 - 8 years... I guess I have matured but that was mostly me digging myself out of a hole where a million and one traumas put me through. Maybe now I can reach the surface. I still have ways to go. Mainly become successful at my trading skills and getting in shape. I walk every day to the driving school when I have a driving classes, it's a total of 40 minutes of walking to and from that place. But I know it's not enough. Next week I'll definately be signing up for the nearby gym here in my town.
Sigh, in other news, my relationship with my sister has gotten a lot better. I feel like we're coming back to an actual friendship, so that's nice. Why did I sigh? Well because we were exchanging some experiences one to another and I told her about some of my experiences with girls when I was 17 to 18 years old approx. She simply said "ah you were so cute back then, I had a lot of friends who had a crush on you". I mean, better hearing that than not hearing, right... But yeah that's the thing, the problem is I'm overweight now. I'm not fat, obese or anything but it's noticeable. These years of being locked inside, no exercise and bad eating habits got me here obviously. But I get the feeling there's more to it than that.
I've been betrayed by some people I trusted, like political fights and relationship issues involving family members and close friends, it's like they weren't the same people even though I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt and understand that... Also the internet has screwed me over mentally, something which I had to talk about to my therapist when I was consulting with him, but mainly from political bs coming from dissonants and degrading and twisted adult content when I was more addicted (I didn't have much physical connection with people, even worse when the world went into lockdown and stuff). I can remember the days I'd lay on the ground from the sheer anxiety attack from certain things. Got let down by people I looked up to, potential partners turned me down on my every effort, more anxiety attacks happened as I got hacked and tried to tie some loose ends and then finally, I lost a close friend...
Sorry for ranting and letting all of this out, but I guess I just wanted to say that after all this, even though I've moved past it, matured, am going back to exercising myself, getting my driver's license, grooming myself, am more socially secure in conversations, am more aware of my financial responsabilities and making progress towards that... Even though I feel like I may get to look like the old healthy me my sister mentioned and maybe even better, maybe a bit more good looking, more muscular, more experienced, more financially stable... I'll never be the same inside. Never... Not that that bothers me, I mean better to know the truth than not know it, right? But I honestly am a bit shocked considering so many atrocities that had been done to me and with me holding a standard of supposedly forgiving others, there are honestly some things that happened that were too much, that I'll never forget how someone I considered friendly or gave the benefit of the doubt actually went and hurt me deeply, despite my sincere best efforts. Some people have a bit of evil in them and won't let go of it for your sake. I'm honestly curious now when I look better, am more successful, confident and have my life together, how someone that did that will react. They might show compassion, try to get close or maybe even ask for forgiveness. I might forgive someone like that, but honestly I don't think I'll ever forget. Some scars are just too deep down to get rid of. Like when someone damages you when you're really vulnurable and exposed.
Might sound dumb, but I have one single friend I actually trust completely right now. Not going to mention who obviously, in case anyone who knows me reads this. But only a single friend after ALL of this who stood by. Even though not directly helping me, he had unimaginable problems of his own in these past years and even though I consider some of the things he says cringy, weird or disagree with, he's always honest. If he's lost somewhere and can't go or had a bad experience, I truly feel like we suffer together if I don't know the answer either. I guess you could call it a humble interaction between two losers trying to figure out their lives, and that's pretty much it. We went through it together, not protecting our pride from each other or hiding something, it has just been a genuine friendship. Took a while to realize that.
Of course I trust my parents as well, I'll have to see what will happen between me and my sister since I have to wait and see where it goes. But my parents are also probably the only other two people I know personally and well enough to say I trust them. Outside of family, only this one friend. It is insane how everything turned out to be.
Well, perhaps to finish this update, I'm also learning japanese with Duolingo lol... Becoming good at it too. Still have to get back to working on my own game (i may have mentioned) but honestly I wish to figure out how this new financial route for me will work first. So yeah, I'm looking foward to getting in shape, getting to drive, more money and maybe with a partner soon. To close off, the world out there has a potential of destroying you, sometimes so much to the point of killing you. Rest in peace my guy Texas. Even though we weren't getting along enough, I'm still honoured we were still close enough to share our lives with one another and spend some time together.
I guess that was the point of this post. I feel like I'm climbing out of the hole, getting things done and reasonably satisfied with my personal progress but I won't be the same. I'm changed perhaps forever. So if you happen to be reading this, maybe keep it in mind if something really bad hasn't happened to you yet.
Hopefully I end this year with these goals fulfilled.
A quick advice. If everything is going downwards, maybe take some time out and pretend it isn't happening. How do you do that? Well do something that takes you away... Just do that, focus on that and nothing else matters. For instance for me, playing flash games reminded me of good times of my childhood and how everything felt like it was going neatly. Among many other things of course, being with my parents, seeing some good people I still
admire and some relaxing content and food that cheers you up. In a
nutshell, if everything sucks, give yourself some ups. Almost like
you're your own patient. Well anyway, that's about it for now.
Also I mentioned something about people I still admire, some of them are online artists that have still remained as a source of light for me. Like this artist named ShiraHedgie. It's wholesome, it's lovely, pure. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I guess this still feels refreshing for me. I can't avoid or deny it.
How I'd imagine a future towards something transcendant might be. I guess seeing something like this is just refreshing, considering how far twisted my life got in these past years. But seeing something like this feels like putting your hand in cold water after you severely burnt it. I guess it reminds me I still have a good part of me that is still somehow alive. That I want someone to be with. I want to love someone and that a few people out there also do. They like this cozy, warm and delicate feeling and the details of what you see in someone you do love. Sigh...
Anyway I'm getting a bit too sweety here lol. Take care.
