Hey there, I'm back again. I should be asleep, but I needed to post something. So I wasn't too sure about what to say here. The month is almost over and not a single post, that's because nothing too eventful has happened.. Just play this before reading (like I always post), an relaxing ambience sound that reminds me of the good days of my childhood. The loading/options theme from Megaman x8. So the thing is before I downloaded this game for pc at around 2011, I used to have it for ps2. And that console, for the faulty (but fun) hardware that it was, sometimes the game would get stuck on this loading screen. Just looking at it now I feel a sense of bliss, safety, nostalgia from those days. (Also a very old memory of me playing it with my old friend Kevin at home). It's just so pure. Reminds me of the days there were much less wrong things with reality than today... I even remember the day and place I bought this game. I tried adding it to the homepage of the blog, so it would play automatically when someone visits it, but it's a little difficult for the moment. Regardless, it's a special theme for me:
Looking and listening to it feels like you're connecting to an utopian and calm future of the series. Where robots are practically human and the surroundings are so beautiful, calm and this waiting room in particular. Feels like a place between here and the afterlife. Looking at the screen is like a surreal place I've seen in my dreams. An enclosed location where I could live, the society is futuristic, people go on about their lives well, everything is aesthetically pleasing, nothing is complicated and every waking moment is something to look foward to. I guess I love it so much since it helps me escape. Since currently I realistically have little to none of the things I just said. I wish I could go back in time. Back to the days life felt this meaningful. Almost fantasy-like. It's like I wish I started out fresh in a new, better universe. No matter how much I try, I can never manage it, or find something more intriguing and meaningful to look foward to. Things just aren't the same.
This goes back to the previous posts about a concern one of my friends brought up to me about me being immature. Still worried that is the case, but since then, I haven't changed much I think. Still trying to get myself to work harder, on my own projects, trying to make more money, still a bit anxious about the variety of things that can go wrong and still in my room. For the things that have changed, I'm taking prescribed drugs from a psychiatrist again (yes, even though I wish I didn't have to), finished my neuropsychological exam, going to the gym more often, eating a bit healthier (i think) and sometimes managing to sleep better. My relationship with God is still questionable, I go days without saying anything, since I don't know what to say. I ask for things that aren't given to me, so maybe I should just shut up. Bible says we have to trust on His will so, I'm attempting to do that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me uncomfortable... I mean, we can't see or interact with Him directly and we must still entrust our lives into the invisible. It is an honest concern of mine, as a christian. Because otherwise, everything else just rolls out as normally as you would expect for any other person, I suppose.
Sigh, on the smaller details, I don't know where I'm going. I mean, I'm nearly out of money, dependant on my parents' help, I don't have a good opportunity to interact with a potential romantic partner, I've become afraid of going to places unknown to me. In other words, still feeling humiliated, pathetic and with low-self esteem. But at least the anxiety wore off with help of the meds and I feel a little bit better about my body because of the workout. It's just that things develop too slowly for comfort. I mean, it's like that for everyone, I know... But man... It just feels like my ideal future, being married, a good artist, financially stable and confident self is just too far away.
More of the same, like my previous posts. I suppose things may have stopped getting worse at least, but they're still. So I don't know. Maybe it's because I stopped. I sleep late and wake up late. I can only work well at the end of the day and don't feel like getting up every morning to face the world. I honestly don't. Nearly all the expectation I had of a bright future are kind of shattered, I'm just going with the flow. Hoping I'll get some good working habits out of this new job of mine soon, that the investments will work well, that I'll look more fit and that I'll find the right person to marry. In the meantime, I'll be here, talking about the current situation. Please hope and pray for me.
A little something to note, you may notice on the other posts I'm labeled as Darkjet and others as hypermugen. Not to worry, it's me regardless, it's just that I have two accounts. Idk why but it just automatically logs me in as hypermugen. I guess it's just that Blogger has a bad support from Google currently. Well, not that I'd blame them... Nobody uses blogger anymore nowdays.
On a last saying, hopefully positive, I feel something calling to me. Whenever I experience something like this options theme music from MMX8, I feel like something inside of me needs to respond, not just remember when I had experienced it. It's memorable for a reason... So, I suppose one of the things that's changing considerably in me is trying to comprehend that voice. Then I'd have to act. How? I don't know. But generally makes me think of the games and animations I'd want to produce for myself and the world. I just don't understand why it's so hard to bring myself to do it. However it's a direction. A direction that pleases me. It's one of those moments that just feels right. Create a place, a "paradise" if you will, for both my body and mind. The Bible speaks about the will of God being good, perfect and pleasurable (Romans 12:2). If anything feels divine in my life, it's this. Hopefully it's an indication to connect the dots. Anyway, take care. Hopefully I may release a new update soon.
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| Axl's slumber. (mmx8 cliff hanger ending) |
