Dark days, ladies and gentlemen, dark days. I shared the video above cause it relates to how I feel. Things are chaotic, nothing settling down, I've become a paranoid man and probably lost a bit of my sanity. So I just imagine myself if I could leave it all behind and be in that wooden log house you see above, with the never ending calm rain to surround you. I wish I had that.
I don't want to say I want to die, leaving family and friends behind is too cruel, plus believing in my God, that would likely be an eternal debt to pay. Well, to talk about what's going on, (in addition to my previous post), my father had to go through an apendicitis surgery which had me anxious for a while, plus now he figured out he has a kidney problem. It was extreme nervousness thinking he was waiting for the result and in my mind I could only reflect on his potential death (with the surgery or some greater sickness like cancer or an infection). Well, in other news, my internet browser was lagging considerably, thankfully it was just a buggy extension I was using. I also had a buggy call today from my friend which didn't really happen, but I received it, even though it shows no history on his phone. Sigh, why am I saying all this? Nothing too serious has happened yet? Well, in the case of my dad I think about the people I've lost, which anyone can actually die in the blink of an eye. Then these problems with my browser and my phone got me remembering the trauma with my accounts being hacked last year. Yeah. It sounds like it really shouldn't bring me down, but it does. I'm very weak at the moment. I even had a scheduled appointment with my therapist but even she got sick and had to go to the hospital.
I tried praying, begging God for mercy to go through these tough times, for him to ease this suffering, help me get back on my feet and tell me what He wants from me, if my dreams are to become a reality. In all honesty, I'm really afraid, afraid of everything going wrong or going worse than they already have. I begin to think maybe this is punishment for how I've taken my life. I don't like lies, I should leave everything in the light. In this desperate attempt to clear my mind and be back to normal, maybe God wants me to acknowledge what I've done wrong. Here are the deepest ones.
1. Sloth. I'm a lazy person. I don't say this lightly. I actually went weeks without working in home office, it was the best paying job I ever had, even so I disliked my job and wouldn't work for it. Thinking God and fate would help me get the job I wanted and I didn't deserve that job and wanted more. Done that with quite a few clients and job applications. I don't deliver on time, not even for my own projects. Needless to say I'm jobless at the moment, and on the worst moment yet as well since my dad has to work in his projects while recovering from his current health condition and I cannot help him financially. If I had this job still, I'd be supporting this home all by myself. It's not burnout, I have to swallow my pride and admit it, I am a very lazy man. Not to mention I wake up late. Go to sleep late (usually because I'm watching youtube, playing video games or watching porn) and wake up late. My parents get upset and I didn't take them seriously enough. Used to go to sleep at around 4,5 or even 6 o clock and wake up at around noon or 1 or even 2 hours later. Even worse some days I didn't even sleep for the whole night but after lunch I would feel sleep and rest the entire afternoon and trigger another entire cycle of being a night owl. Now I manage to go to sleep at 2 or 3 am and wake up at 10, which is an achievement for me but still laughable. Honestly I deserve to be jobless now.
2. Lustful. I'm a porn addict. I think I already mentioned this and a couple of other points. I'm addicted to it and somedays I can't go without relieving myself. Worst is I've been hooked on really fringe erotic material, won't get into too much detail to avoid vulgarity obviously, but it's degrading and humiliating. Would stay on my mind afterwards and bring me great anxiety as I observed my dream self fade away into a corrupted and disgusting being. I deserve to be single now.
3. Narcissistic. I've thought of myself superior to others for a good while. I've thought of myself as this high and mighty, proud guy, with an artistic touch and other people not being worthy of my time or speaking to me, too common or too mundane. That has happened for a good while, even with closer people (although a lot of those times I was just shy or unsure of myself) but it's time lost that will never be recovered. Many potentially great relationships lost, many missed opportunities, just by being a more humble person I could've been in a better place now. I deserve to feel alone now.
4. Waiting for death. Waiting for my pain to ease, with my life achievements fulfilled and bringing honor to people I love and to God but at the same time worried about if I do perish earlier, my family and friends will have to proceed without me. A conundrum, a contradiction if you will. Sometimes I envy people who lived a good life and are reaching their end. Sounds dark, I know. I said earlier I didn't want to die. Well, I kinda do, want to die of old age. Accomplished, with things I wanted to do in life done and finished and then meet my maker. I guess we all want the same, but I will admit when things are going sideways, I still deep down look at it as a last resort. I feel like I can't live like other people, especially considering I may never achieve my most desired dreams. I deserve to feel desperate now. Shouldn't be mentioned that any christian would greatly await Jesus' return at this point.
5. Hateful. I've grown to hate some people. Wether it'd be their races or genders, things I built up throughout my life and maybe I can never go back. All those traumas and lot of political exposure made me feel and think this way. Could it be evil in the eyes of God? Yes, it could. But it is my genuine truth. I have a deep bias against some, won't mention it here since that's not the focus of this post, but it's the real truth. It's not just for the memes. From some experiences I've had politically, relationship-wise, content consuming, it's how I grew up to be. Frankly people I'd never wish to forgive. I deserve to be miserable.
6. Paranoid. Beyond all these traumas and instances I had to deal with. I'm paranoid, paranoid of dealing with people that try to harm me. Even though is biblical we should only be afraid of God, the life here can still be quite concerning, quite painful. That worries me when trying to find a potential mate and she realizing how insecure I am about many things. Many of which aren't real but feel real. I failed my driving exam again and felt too insecure about taking it again this monday so I left it for someone else to take it. I wanted to not have to work much, just have my hobby, endless time to spend with my family and future wife. Be rich, have a great secluded home where no one could harm me. Like that cabin in the video. Maybe I deserve to have low self-esteem.
7. Where is God? The most shameful truth is sometimes I do doubt Him. And yes, I'm sure he knows what I'm thinking and my secrets. Deep down I'm worried what I've been fed my life is a lie and I would've been better off otherwise. Would I? I don't know. When things are desperate I can only lay down and hope God will attend to me. Sometimes for a split second I consider that possibility or if it is another god I haven't seeked that's out there. That is a truth, unfortunately. It is a lack of faith in my part but remember I'm telling my truth here. Or if He's not that well intended, or if by some mistake I'm not saved. I even considered the "mark of the Beast" mentioned in the Bible to possibly be a "good" thing, in the sense that it would give people more security, since I have all these worries and traumas of dealing with multiple accounts and their security (for those of you who don't know, the mark is something mentioned in the Bible that at the end of the world, people who wear it are basically the ones who don't enter Heaven). I honestly thought of that. Things that are likely blasphemous to the God I believe in. I deserve to be in Hell now.
I think those are the deepest secrets about me now. I come clean because maybe I must. I'm weak, I need help. This is my desperate attempt to make things right, if my God sees my actions now. It is said in the Word of God many times, many instances of forgiveness. The Bible says we deserve to suffer and never be with God because of our impurity. We were never meant for that, we just have His grace because of His mercy. So, I hope this is it. I just want to have my life back together, my dignity, my security, my skills... No matter what it takes. I am left desolate and just want to be back on my feet.
I'm afraid at this point I'm just not mature enough for my age. Too many days alone, too many opportunities missed, to many careless decisions... I'm writing this hoping God does a miracle in my life or something... Or otherwise I suppose I may just be shouting into the dark. I apologize for writing so many dark sentiments (seemingly feeling too sorry for myself), I missed an appointment with my therapist and I'm cornered, I feel like I just need to let it out a bit... Write down what I'm feeling and dealing with, compartmentalize everything.
I like this blog, even if no one sees these it's my personal diary and really a calm and peaceful place for me since I carried it for over 10 years, since I was a kid. Sometimes I look at old posts just to remember things the way they were. That's it for now. Stay safe out there and please pray for me if you read this and are able to do so. God bless and take care.
Some last minute asmr for you, right now I just want to sleep well and forget about this mess for a while (which I'm able to do while sleeping). Listening to constant noise like this puts me at ease, especially when I see steaming come off of a nebulizer like that, you kind of with it would be a nice endless rest. Reminds me a little bit of my aunt's apartment (used to be my grandma's), where I grew up in, but the thing is I always woke up well in there with a nice view of the blue sky and clouds, pool sounds from the condo pool from far away and then this vaccumm cleaner sound from a further away apartment as well (kinda like a nebulizer) and it makes me feel good, at ease. Honestly that place is so cozy and so homey, I feel like even if I got rich, maybe I'd live there since it just feels like home. I can just drift away. It's a rest place, a place for me to run off to.
