Facing Anxiety Once More

 I know not even a month has passed and here I am with another update. But this is good, right? Maybe it's an indication of the monthly post schedule I wanted to follow, hah. Well anyway... I just wanted to start off with a soundtrack that'll ease off anyone's nerves, a game's music from the 90's that will drive you away into a state of control, bliss and fruition:

That's right, well, here I woke up once feeling like Heaven was about to fall upon me for some reason. Complete calm, for some reason that day felt like the second coming of Christ. Nothing out of the ordinary except maybe it was because of a certain lively dream I had ( I don't remember exactly what I dreamed), but I woke up new. Usually I go out to the back of the house and feel a little bit of warm sunlight and it envigorates me. Then as I went back to work this was the soundtrack I had left saved on my tabs. Kaze no Notam's entire soundtrack sounds like it comes from a dimension of hopefulness.

Anyway, I decided to start the post this way because it is how I'm beggining to deal with myself. I admit, I am an anxious person. Yes, I stopped taking meds and going to the therapist but now I'm back on it. I faced my defeat. In a nutshell I migrated from one phone to the other since my old phone stopped charging and went through a very uncomfortable process of transferring all the accounts and checking for all the security steps necessary to do so. Well, it's delicate information and it brought back to mind the trauma I developed from that one time I got hacked. It has scarred me for good. So yeah, dealt with a severe anxiety crisis while doing so. Realized I'm still very vulnurable.

Didn't help that a few days later my mom got diagnosed with a kidney infection. She seems to be fine, she took all the medications correctly, went to the doctor today again for a blood and pee sample to check if she was indeed okay and it's confirmed. As if that weren't enough to get my worries going on such a short time frame from the day I swapped my phone a week ago, today I also woke up with a chest pain and took the opportunity to also get a medical checkup. Thankfully I'm fine, the doctors tested my heartbeat and analyzed me, but it was quite a scare laying down with those wires on my chest and hoping my circulatory system was fine. Thank God everything is okay.

It's not over yet however, tomorrow I have my driving school test to see if I can get permission to drive until I get my driver's license. So still a little bit of stress and nervousness to deal with. I told this doctor about my recent anxiety event and he prescribed me some weaker pills to help settle down my anxiety. So I suppose everything is fine now, hopefully I pass the test tomorrow, if I don't, well... We'll restart like we always have, I suppose. I'm just a bit tired of losing is all. I want to be prosperous but I can't operate the market with so many things to be anxious about, I can't reach out for a woman while I'm insecure about my body, etc. Point being, I just wish I made some significant progress already. A true breakthrough. Well what about my therapist? Going well, I scheduled 2 sessions a month with her for now and she gave me a few instructions like breathing exercises, lists of things that can't escape my control (insecurities) and keep exercising.

Well this is it for now, I guess I just wanted to share that for now. Perhaps it's for the best I'm taking some time to admit I need help from family and friends. Work is unproductive though, my current job as an animator is I'm doing nothing. Oof... I just remembered I still have not finished my Self-Authoring program... Oh well, after taking the driving test tomorrow (and hopefully passing) I'll have my schedule much more flexible and free for the time being as I treat myself with more respect and care. I'm taking time off of it until I have myself figured out here. I don't like working with it anyway unless it's a hobby and maybe the pills will help me get stable to that I can successfully trade calmer. Today my mom found a white string of hair on my head. It shocked me since I'm only 24 at the moment. People say it's not that uncommon online but a lot of factors play into it, like stress. Well, that's exactly what I thought when my mom mentioned that. This anxiety thing is killing me, I need to fight it seriously since I can't afford to feel this way any longer. Edit: Yeah, I failed the driving test... Was able to reschedule it for the day after tomorrow, here goes nothing.

I'm leaving you with a little longplay of an old Spongebob movie game (Point and Click version) that I really like. It's become a typical practice of mine leaving youtube playing with the screen off on the phone either with raining sounds, aerosol sounds or a longplay of a calm game.  This one is old and forgotten, but I think it's just relaxing to watch it, especially as I doze off to sleep... Stay safe.